TOP 20 SUMMER DON’TS Post Date: Monday July 26th 2010
By Jameka KellyBefore we start, I'd like to flash back to another important time in local fashion - 24th of May. While there was a lo of spectacle to be seen on the streets, how many of you can admit you paid any attention to the parade?
That's what I thought, but we'll have to leave that one alone so I can get on with what I've been tasked to do – provide a detailed, “very important”, “must obey”, StyleBermuda sanctioned TOP 20 CUP MATCH DON'TS list.
If you want to continue to be a stylish fashion DO, I suggest you follow these simple rules, or at least take them into consideration before you head out into the streets looking all kinds of wrong.
You can’t have a summer without some restrictions!
1) Swim wearWe’ve all side glanced and snickered at the large lady in the 2-piece or the mid-life crisis in speedos. Scary! Save yourself a therapy session in self-esteem, DON’T wear swimsuits that have the potential to scar the public or cause little kids to run out of the water in panic and fear. Remember: Swim suits come in a variety of sizes and styles that can best accentuate your body. Visit your local beach store and when in doubt: Ask a salesperson for a second opinion.
2) Tans
Raise your had if you've seen “Jersey Shore” or “Growing Up Gotti”. Now raise your hand if those orange tans made you cringe. Does a race that orange even exisit? Know your limits – opt for a few minutes of natural sunshine on the regular, or, for the health conscious, try self tanners. Unsure about them? Ask a cosmetician or get professional help. Remember, you want your skin tone to look radiant, not radioactive.
3) Sunburn
Sunburns? Not sexy. Especially when you look like a boiled lobster. Say no to the sun if you know you're the type that's going to burn and end up looking like a real sea creature. I recommend... SPF 10 000 plus!
4) Beach bag
A trip to the beach always involves taking a whole bunch of comforts: towels, food, umbrella, change of clothes, sun block, radio, cell phone, money, etc etc. You can’t put these items in a fanny pack because that is a humongous fashion no-no. And you can’t show up to the beach with a go-green grocery bag. These are for the grocery store ONLY. A beach bag is designed specifically for the beach. Any other bag is just disrespectful.
5) Shades
As small as they may be, shades can make or break a face. DON’T wear shades that do you no justice. In stores, shades are always near a mirror. Use that mirror. Also, make a note of the trend of shades for the season. NB: Watch you don't get raccoon eyes from the sun – wear sunscreen on your face!
6) Boots
The summer months are a great time to let your feet breathe. Boots mixed with the summer heat are a recipe for sweaty, smelly feet. P to the U!!
7) Spaghetti strap shoes
Only, and I stress only, wear this style of shoes if you can confirm your feet would NOT look like they are being packaged and sold as strapped lamb shanks.
8) Flip flops
DON’T ever, ever, ever, ever wear socks with a pair of flip flops. That is a crime! And is punishable in the court of summer law. Flip flops are designed to showcase your feet and toes. It’s not rocket science, folks! And DON’T even fathom wearing flip flops that are too small for your foot, where your heels are hanging over the back committing suicide. Also, let’s address the issue of toes clawing onto the front of flip flops. Frightening!
9) Pedicures
Tell your feet you love them and respect them for carrying your body around via a regular pedicure. Most pedicures are inexpensive, so there is no reason for not getting one on a bi-weekly basis. Call a local spa or beauty shop for a price list.
10) Waxing
Ouch! Allow me to confess that I got my 1st ever waxing this year May. I was in a wedding and the dress was a one shoulder, so I had to make sure that the armpits were as smooth as a baby’s bottom. I scheduled a waxing at Gillian’s and the experience wasn’t even as bad or painful as I had imagined. Waxing is a summer must for anyone who doesn’t favour looking like Big Foot or Chewbacca. DON’T be a beach hairy fairy!
11) Makeup
Sweat and makeup are a frightening combination. Something straight out of a horror movie. DON’T wear makeup if you know you are going to be out in the heat for a long period. Sweating will occur and your makeup will begin to run away from your face. If you absolutely have to wear makeup, keep it subtle.
12) Long, bushy weaves
My hands tingle when I pass a woman with a long, bushy weave on a hot day. I just want to snatch it from her head and stomp on it like a roach. Weave all over your head, covering your face and dangling down your back just looks like a hot MESS. Consider short styles that are best suited to the summer weather.
13) Weight loss
If you haven’t lost that Christmas bulge by now, it’s not going to happen. Embrace that spare tire! Summer is not the time to be fussing over weight loss. Swimming, sweating, and all that good summer fun will have you burning calories without ever setting foot in a gym.
14) Visible bra straps
If you plan on wearing a spaghetti strap top please understand that your bra strap will be on display. They are basically the same width. So have a good look in the mirror before you leave home and make the decision if you could go without the bra. This will ensure that you don’t have two straps fighting for shoulder space.
15) Skinny jeans
I think we can all say that skinny jeans on guys had its date in history. Now they need to be archived or placed in a time capsule. It’s summer. It’s hot. Who wants anything that is stuck tight to their body. Chaffy!
16) Rolled up pants
This style of wearing pants was and is never going to be a trend. You want to wear pants or capris or shorts, those are your 3 choices. Stop trying to stretch your wardrobe by converting your pants into capris by rolling them up to your calf. We can all tell what a real carpi looks like, and that is not it.
17) Sweat suits
What’s with people not being able to pack away ALL their winter clothes? How come a stray sweat suit always gets left out and for some strange, psychotic reason people feel the urge to wear a hot sweat suit in 90 degree weather? I don’t understand it, and I don’t want to understand it. I just strongly suggest that anyone who passes someone in a sweat suit during the summer months stand clear of them because they are going through some deep issues.
18) Baseball caps on females
Please do not wear a baseball cap or any other hat to hide the fact that your hair has not been combed for 3 days. We can all tell by that little piece of hair that always manages to sneak out from under the hat and screams “Look at me!” A cute beach hat with combed hair underneath is a better choice.
19) ThongsI have never and will never wear thongs!! That’s just me. I don’t like the thought of a piece of dental floss rubbing on me all day. But for those who like this style, more power to you. Be mindful that if you don’t have a toned rear end, that dimpling will weasel its way through and scream “Hi!” to everyone you pass. Just saying.
20) Summer boo
Summer time, summer love, summer fun! Summer is not summer without a summer boo to entertain you. (Hmm…that rhymes). With all the beach parties, boat cruises, summer concerts, etc, you just have to share the love and fun with someone. But a summer boo is ONLY for the summer. You have to dump them by Christmas time or else they will be expecting a gift from you. Simply stated: DON’T show up to any summer party without a summer boo.
Jameka Kelly is employed as a Landscape Architect for the Bermuda Government. Her job requires producing aesthetically pleasing landscape designs and the ability to manipulate nature and the environment.
She has a weird passion for criticizing fashion styles and trends, making notes when travelling to remote countries to “fashion stalk” and keep mental files of what's fashionably appropriate in other cultures.
Her personal style is clean and neat – nothing too flashy and nothing that requires the use of a crowbar to put on.
She takes great pleasure in making people laugh and makes no apologies for her crude humour.
